The Ups and Downs of Life

Wow, so my sincerest apologies, as I've been the worst blogger ever recently. It's been ages since I've truly written anything, and I'm so sorry! Things have been crazy with the holidays and work getting busier, but really I'm just guilty of getting caught up in life. I have to say, however, the fact that I've been focusing on just living life and enjoying the things I'm doing is amazing. Over the past couple of weeks, since I've been back from vacation, I've realized how much I love my life in Phnom Penh - the community I've built, the activities I'm involved in, my work, just everything about it is better than anything I ever could have imagined.

Before Christmas and New Years I was so grateful for the opportunity to get the heck out of Phnom Penh and back into some Western culture, and I was even dreading coming back to PP once I was actually on vacation. I'm not exactly sure what it was, but the first taste of my "old life" in Western culture made me miss everything about my life back in the States, which naturally made me not want to have to return to Cambodia for another 6 months. Before I even left for vacation I was nervous about what being away from PP was going to do to my spirit, and I was somewhat right. I went through an emotional roller coaster and I found myself, as I was walking around Melbourne, sitting in the car driving around Hobart, Australia, and walking along the serene beaches of Auckland, New Zealand, taking deep breaths and saying to myself, "Gosh it's hard to live in Phnom Penh". Sometimes it seems really silly to say that because, well if you were to see how I live here, you'd understand, but it wasn't until I escaped that I realized it's true - it is hard!

I have never in my life had to face the realities of human trafficking every single day, in almost everything I do, and it wasn't until I was away from it that I recognized how hard it is on me. I got extremely emotional about it when I was on vacation, and I realized that when I'm in Phnom Penh I'm in survival mode, so I don't let it affect me as much as it truthfully does. I can't really explain how passionate I am about this issue, and how badly it hurts when I see females sitting in front of a restaurant or karaoke bar waiting for men to arrive, or when I walk along the riverside to grab some dinner or drinks with a friend and I see females walking back and forth most likely waiting for a customer. It is all around me, and I find myself getting lost in and consumed by thoughts about "what is REALLY going on in this situation?" Take this weekend for example....

On Saturday night I met up with some of my friends to go salsa dancing at a restaurant/bar on the riverside. First of all, I really have NO idea how to salsa, so let's just say I was going to watch others and maybe get out there to embarrass myself. Anyways, overall it was so much fun and after a couple glasses of wine, well I was a little more willing to get out there and make a fool of myself - it was pretty fun, I must say!! Well, as we were all dancing and having a great time, I noticed an adorable Cambodian woman sitting on the wall surrounding the dance floor watching a much older caucasian male (who was standing next to her earlier) dance with western women. It's hard to describe the look on her face, but I just felt the urge to go say hi and talk to her. So I did. I went over and started (trying) to speak Khmer with her - asking her name, etc. Then I asked her what she was doing there and she said she was here with her husband (the older caucasian man dancing with western women). I responded normally, asked her how long they'd been married, etc. (a few weeks was her answer), and then I asked her why she wasn't dancing with him. She just shrugged her shoulders and I asked her if she likes dancing and if she wanted to and she said yes! The conversation continued and I was encouraging her to go dance with her husband because she really wanted to! She was smiling nervously and I could tell she wanted to, but was just really shy (which I don't blame her since her husband wasn't asking her to dance and instead, was asking every other woman there). So then I went up to her husband who started trying to dance with me, but because I'm horrible and maybe also because I said he should dance with his wife because she said she likes dancing, he quickly stopped. Finally, I just took matters into my own hands and grabbed my new friend and started dancing with her (not salsa since I clearly didn't know how). Gosh it was so much fun, and the HUGE smile on her face was just priceless. After we danced for a bit, she went back to her spot on the wall next to her husband and just stood there silently, as they didn't seem to exchange more than 5 words to each other (maybe because he speaks no bit of Khmer). Now, I'm not saying I was assuming anything about their situation, but I do know that my beautiful Cambodian friend didn't seem very happy (other than the 5 minutes we were dancing). It is situations exactly like this that consume my thoughts - what is their story? does he pay her to have sex and now they're 'married'? what does he do? is she happy? what are her dreams?.....

It's nights and experiences like that which make my life here so emotional and challenging. My heart just breaks when I see stuff like that, and it makes my mind race back and forth with questions and all sorts of emotions. At the same time, it has also presented me with some of my most memorable moments - the conversations, shared meals, and dances with the beautiful Cambodian women I've met and seen the most genuine smiles come from.

After coming back from vacation and arriving once again in Phnom Penh, I realized that this place is my home. All the feelings of dreading being here for another 6 months immediately went away as soon as I stepped out of the airplane. This place is hard to live in, but it's my home and at the moment, I couldn't ask for anything better. I have great friends here, an amazing job, am part of an amazing group of guys who I play soccer with, have created some amazing friendships with my Cambodian co-workers, and constantly have life-changing interactions with survivors and women who may or may not be victims of trafficking. It may be an emotional roller coaster, but every day I fall more and more in love with this country and cannot imagine not being here - 5 more months almost feels too short.....