Wow, so my sincerest apologies, as I've been the worst blogger ever recently. It's been ages since I've truly written anything, and I'm so sorry! Things have been crazy with the holidays and work getting busier, but really I'm just guilty of getting caught up in life. I have to say, however, the fact that I've been focusing on just living life and enjoying the things I'm doing is amazing. Over the past couple of weeks, since I've been back from vacation, I've realized how much I love my life in Phnom Penh - the community I've built, the activities I'm involved in, my work, just everything about it is better than anything I ever could have imagined.
Before Christmas and New Years I was so grateful for the opportunity to get the heck out of Phnom Penh and back into some Western culture, and I was even dreading coming back to PP once I was actually on vacation. I'm not exactly sure what it was, but the first taste of my "old life" in Western culture made me miss everything about my life back in the States, which naturally made me not want to have to return to Cambodia for another 6 months. Before I even left for vacation I was nervous about what being away from PP was going to do to my spirit, and I was somewhat right. I went through an emotional roller coaster and I found myself, as I was walking around Melbourne, sitting in the car driving around Hobart, Australia, and walking along the serene beaches of Auckland, New Zealand, taking deep breaths and saying to myself, "Gosh it's hard to live in Phnom Penh". Sometimes it seems really silly to say that because, well if you were to see how I live here, you'd understand, but it wasn't until I escaped that I realized it's true - it is hard!
I have never in my life had to face the realities of human trafficking every single day, in almost everything I do, and it wasn't until I was away from it that I recognized how hard it is on me. I got extremely emotional about it when I was on vacation, and I realized that when I'm in Phnom Penh I'm in survival mode, so I don't let it affect me as much as it truthfully does. I can't really explain how passionate I am about this issue, and how badly it hurts when I see females sitting in front of a restaurant or karaoke bar waiting for men to arrive, or when I walk along the riverside to grab some dinner or drinks with a friend and I see females walking back and forth most likely waiting for a customer. It is all around me, and I find myself getting lost in and consumed by thoughts about "what is REALLY going on in this situation?" Take this weekend for example....
On Saturday night I met up with some of my friends to go salsa dancing at a restaurant/bar on the riverside. First of all, I really have NO idea how to salsa, so let's just say I was going to watch others and maybe get out there to embarrass myself. Anyways, overall it was so much fun and after a couple glasses of wine, well I was a little more willing to get out there and make a fool of myself - it was pretty fun, I must say!! Well, as we were all dancing and having a great time, I noticed an adorable Cambodian woman sitting on the wall surrounding the dance floor watching a much older caucasian male (who was standing next to her earlier) dance with western women. It's hard to describe the look on her face, but I just felt the urge to go say hi and talk to her. So I did. I went over and started (trying) to speak Khmer with her - asking her name, etc. Then I asked her what she was doing there and she said she was here with her husband (the older caucasian man dancing with western women). I responded normally, asked her how long they'd been married, etc. (a few weeks was her answer), and then I asked her why she wasn't dancing with him. She just shrugged her shoulders and I asked her if she likes dancing and if she wanted to and she said yes! The conversation continued and I was encouraging her to go dance with her husband because she really wanted to! She was smiling nervously and I could tell she wanted to, but was just really shy (which I don't blame her since her husband wasn't asking her to dance and instead, was asking every other woman there). So then I went up to her husband who started trying to dance with me, but because I'm horrible and maybe also because I said he should dance with his wife because she said she likes dancing, he quickly stopped. Finally, I just took matters into my own hands and grabbed my new friend and started dancing with her (not salsa since I clearly didn't know how). Gosh it was so much fun, and the HUGE smile on her face was just priceless. After we danced for a bit, she went back to her spot on the wall next to her husband and just stood there silently, as they didn't seem to exchange more than 5 words to each other (maybe because he speaks no bit of Khmer). Now, I'm not saying I was assuming anything about their situation, but I do know that my beautiful Cambodian friend didn't seem very happy (other than the 5 minutes we were dancing). It is situations exactly like this that consume my thoughts - what is their story? does he pay her to have sex and now they're 'married'? what does he do? is she happy? what are her dreams?.....
It's nights and experiences like that which make my life here so emotional and challenging. My heart just breaks when I see stuff like that, and it makes my mind race back and forth with questions and all sorts of emotions. At the same time, it has also presented me with some of my most memorable moments - the conversations, shared meals, and dances with the beautiful Cambodian women I've met and seen the most genuine smiles come from.
After coming back from vacation and arriving once again in Phnom Penh, I realized that this place is my home. All the feelings of dreading being here for another 6 months immediately went away as soon as I stepped out of the airplane. This place is hard to live in, but it's my home and at the moment, I couldn't ask for anything better. I have great friends here, an amazing job, am part of an amazing group of guys who I play soccer with, have created some amazing friendships with my Cambodian co-workers, and constantly have life-changing interactions with survivors and women who may or may not be victims of trafficking. It may be an emotional roller coaster, but every day I fall more and more in love with this country and cannot imagine not being here - 5 more months almost feels too short.....
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Holidays Down Under
For the last two weeks I've had the pleasure of enjoying a wonderful vacation for the holiday season. I spent a week or so visiting friends and enjoying the beautiful cities of Melbourne and Hobart, Australia, and now I'm fortunate enough to be visiting another friend in Auckland, New Zealand. There are no words to describe what an amazing experience my trip has been thus far, and as I'm still enjoying my time in Lord of the Rings land, I can't give a full picture of my experience and how it has impacted me. So, be sure to look out for a more thorough update in the new year :)
All I wanted to do was be sure to say, on this last day of 2011, that I'm so thankful for everything, everyone, and every opportunity I've had in my life. 2012 has been an incredible year of personal growth, beautiful friendships, and life-changing events, and I couldn't be happier with how it turned out. While there are of course things I would love to take back or change, I am still grateful for even those moments because I am now that much stronger and more confident in the woman I am and who God created me to be. It is my hope to start this new year with excitement, optimism, hope, strength, and courage for all of the things that will come my way in 2012. God is doing some amazing things in my life, and I'm looking forward to uncovering what He has in store for me in 2012.
Thank you to everyone in my life and to everyone who will be in my life during 2012. Many blessings to all of you and Happy New Year!
All I wanted to do was be sure to say, on this last day of 2011, that I'm so thankful for everything, everyone, and every opportunity I've had in my life. 2012 has been an incredible year of personal growth, beautiful friendships, and life-changing events, and I couldn't be happier with how it turned out. While there are of course things I would love to take back or change, I am still grateful for even those moments because I am now that much stronger and more confident in the woman I am and who God created me to be. It is my hope to start this new year with excitement, optimism, hope, strength, and courage for all of the things that will come my way in 2012. God is doing some amazing things in my life, and I'm looking forward to uncovering what He has in store for me in 2012.
Thank you to everyone in my life and to everyone who will be in my life during 2012. Many blessings to all of you and Happy New Year!
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
One of the Boys
Boy oh boy, this last week and a half has been absolutely amazing. After having an incredible weekend of finding myself again and coming back to the light, I've also reunited with another huge piece of my identity - athlete. You all are looking at the newest, and ONLY female member of the Bayon Wanderers FC.
Ever since I can remember, I have played soccer. The sport has been a huge part of my life, and from the time I stopped playing competitively after I graduated from high school, I've had to find other ways to tap into the sport and reconnect with one of the things that makes me happiest. In college, it was joining the women's club soccer team, and now, it's being a part of the Bayon Wanderers FC. When I came to Cambodia I was really hoping I could find a way to play soccer every now and again, but was concerned that I wouldn't be able to find an outlet. I've met a couple people here to play for fun sometimes, but I never got the chance to join. Then, I decided I'd take the chance and join a friend I'd met who plays professionally. Naturally, I was quite concerned tagging along with two guys who play soccer as their career, but I pushed my worries aside and just went in head first!
The weekend before last I went out with these two friends to go join in on a game. I told them I played goalkeeper, but being guys, they said to me, "no, don't go into the goal. Do you see these calves? You won't be able to take it." I laughed and said, "whatever you say". So, got to the field, and guess where they put me....striker! Out of the 18+ years I've played soccer, I've never once in my life been a striker - they were crazy. After not having played soccer in months, not playing on the field for over 7 years, not having played soccer in this heat in years, and well, NEVER playing striker, I said to them "I'm telling you, put me at that position and it will look as though I've never played this sport in my life!" Let's just say that my legs felt as though they were 100 pounds each, and every time I'd try to run as fast as I could, my legs just wouldn't move. So, I decided it was best that I take myself out and let a guy who can actually play get on the field. Half-time came, we were losing 1-3. I asked the guy who was playing goalie how he was doing, and he was like, "well I'd much rather be on the field". So, I said "okay then, how about we switch!" So, despite every guy telling me I shouldn't go and them being afraid I was going to hurt myself, I went. Within a few minutes of the second half starting a guy was coming down the right side of the field, and within seconds of him entering my box, I charged and stole the ball right out from his feet causing him to fly over me and land flat on the ground in defeat, and BY A GIRL, mind you ;). I don't think I can explain the shock and awe that resulted from that play...let's just say I shut them all up and they were all quite impressed.
After that moment, morale went up, we scored 5 goals, I held a shut out, and we won 6-3. I came off the field really pumped and just feeling great, only to be welcomed by the guys applauding me as I approached the bench. What an amazing feeling! Once the game was over, they asked me to join them for some food and drinks, which they do after every game on Sunday, and it was brilliant. Sitting amongst 10 men, drinking beer, and chatting it up. The best part, was they definitely didn't change their topics of conversation simply because I was present. That was the first moment I felt like one of the boys. Loved it.
Now, a week and a half has passed, I've played 2 games, trained at 6am, practiced at least 2 times a week, and am an official member of the Bayon Wanderers FC. I don't think I can even explain how much I've loved being able to play soccer again, and at a competitive level. Furthermore, let's not forget how awesome it feels to be the only female on an all male soccer team....not a bad gig getting to hang around a bunch of extremely fit young (and some older) men who like to take their shirts off after they've been sweating and running around. I've been completely accepted and feel like "one of the boys", and the looks I get from the Cambodian teams we play are awesome, especially when I make an incredible diving save to earn their approval and respect. What an amazing feeling.
We all can get so lost as we go throughout life, but as I've discovered over the past couple of weeks after I reached my breaking point, true happiness and joy comes from being who we are, and never giving up on ourselves even when we hardly recognize who we've been lately. We are always worthy of redemption, and I can attest that once we begin to put the pieces of our identity back together, and live out who we truly are, nothing can get in the way of pure joy. I am so thankful for everything that I've had recently, and although it hasn't always been easy, I'm taking it one day at a time and trying to remember that who I am is incredible and I should never be afraid to show it.
Ever since I can remember, I have played soccer. The sport has been a huge part of my life, and from the time I stopped playing competitively after I graduated from high school, I've had to find other ways to tap into the sport and reconnect with one of the things that makes me happiest. In college, it was joining the women's club soccer team, and now, it's being a part of the Bayon Wanderers FC. When I came to Cambodia I was really hoping I could find a way to play soccer every now and again, but was concerned that I wouldn't be able to find an outlet. I've met a couple people here to play for fun sometimes, but I never got the chance to join. Then, I decided I'd take the chance and join a friend I'd met who plays professionally. Naturally, I was quite concerned tagging along with two guys who play soccer as their career, but I pushed my worries aside and just went in head first!
The weekend before last I went out with these two friends to go join in on a game. I told them I played goalkeeper, but being guys, they said to me, "no, don't go into the goal. Do you see these calves? You won't be able to take it." I laughed and said, "whatever you say". So, got to the field, and guess where they put me....striker! Out of the 18+ years I've played soccer, I've never once in my life been a striker - they were crazy. After not having played soccer in months, not playing on the field for over 7 years, not having played soccer in this heat in years, and well, NEVER playing striker, I said to them "I'm telling you, put me at that position and it will look as though I've never played this sport in my life!" Let's just say that my legs felt as though they were 100 pounds each, and every time I'd try to run as fast as I could, my legs just wouldn't move. So, I decided it was best that I take myself out and let a guy who can actually play get on the field. Half-time came, we were losing 1-3. I asked the guy who was playing goalie how he was doing, and he was like, "well I'd much rather be on the field". So, I said "okay then, how about we switch!" So, despite every guy telling me I shouldn't go and them being afraid I was going to hurt myself, I went. Within a few minutes of the second half starting a guy was coming down the right side of the field, and within seconds of him entering my box, I charged and stole the ball right out from his feet causing him to fly over me and land flat on the ground in defeat, and BY A GIRL, mind you ;). I don't think I can explain the shock and awe that resulted from that play...let's just say I shut them all up and they were all quite impressed.
After that moment, morale went up, we scored 5 goals, I held a shut out, and we won 6-3. I came off the field really pumped and just feeling great, only to be welcomed by the guys applauding me as I approached the bench. What an amazing feeling! Once the game was over, they asked me to join them for some food and drinks, which they do after every game on Sunday, and it was brilliant. Sitting amongst 10 men, drinking beer, and chatting it up. The best part, was they definitely didn't change their topics of conversation simply because I was present. That was the first moment I felt like one of the boys. Loved it.
Now, a week and a half has passed, I've played 2 games, trained at 6am, practiced at least 2 times a week, and am an official member of the Bayon Wanderers FC. I don't think I can even explain how much I've loved being able to play soccer again, and at a competitive level. Furthermore, let's not forget how awesome it feels to be the only female on an all male soccer team....not a bad gig getting to hang around a bunch of extremely fit young (and some older) men who like to take their shirts off after they've been sweating and running around. I've been completely accepted and feel like "one of the boys", and the looks I get from the Cambodian teams we play are awesome, especially when I make an incredible diving save to earn their approval and respect. What an amazing feeling.
We all can get so lost as we go throughout life, but as I've discovered over the past couple of weeks after I reached my breaking point, true happiness and joy comes from being who we are, and never giving up on ourselves even when we hardly recognize who we've been lately. We are always worthy of redemption, and I can attest that once we begin to put the pieces of our identity back together, and live out who we truly are, nothing can get in the way of pure joy. I am so thankful for everything that I've had recently, and although it hasn't always been easy, I'm taking it one day at a time and trying to remember that who I am is incredible and I should never be afraid to show it.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
I Was Lost, and Then Was Found
Wow, what is there to say. For the past few weeks, as you can tell from my lack of blogging, things have been a little crazy. With good friends leaving, week-long holidays, trips to Siem Reap with friends and backpackers I met, I've been lost in the expat world for some time now. Living in Phnom Penh is challenging in so many ways, but I can tell you one thing, I never imagined that one of the difficult aspects would be to try not to get caught up in college behavior and going out as though I'm on vacation. I don't even think I realized how much time had passed by and I couldn't figure out why. All of a sudden, I noticed it was the end of November and wasn't entirely sure where the whole month went! At that very moment, I realized it was time to come back to reality and stop pretending I'm on vacation. It's a tricky thing figuring out how to live abroad when my only experiences abroad thus far have been for vacation. It's easy, especially in the expat world, to feel as though that is actually the case, but as we all know, it's not. I'm here for something much more important than going out multiple days of the week and being busy all the time because I feel I need to be doing things. In complete honesty, for a few weeks I was just sinking in this hole of going out and enjoying myself a little too much, and had almost completely forgotten why I'm here.
The last couple of weeks, however, have definitely reminded me why I'm here. I'm not sure I can explain how what I'm about to tell you happened, but somehow I've managed to go to 3 different girly bars (or prostitute bars) in less than a week and a half. It started with just a simple curiosity while I was with a group of friends, which led us going into a place called DV8 Bar, which had sexy figures of women as part of the sign. Just by that, we knew what we were entering, but my curiosity got the best of all of us, and we went in. With girls dressed up in short dresses and heels all around me, I decide to sit at the bar. To make a long story short, for the next hour I was surrounded by 6 different girls working there and was engaged in conversation which was a mix of Khmer and English. I think one, they were really excited to see a young Western woman, and two, to see one who is able to speak some Khmer to them was a VERY exciting thing. It was actually an incredible experience that I'm not even sure how to describe. I sat next to one woman who spoke very good English and who was talking to me all about her family, kids, husband, etc. and it ended in her giving me her phone number and her getting mine because she was so happy and said she really wanted to be friends with me. After an hour or so of amazing conversation, we all eventually left. After leaving the bar, I honestly didn't even know what to think. Do I go to dinner with her? Do I be friends with her? Is this dangerous, or an opportunity to potentially help the very girls/women I've dedicated my life to speaking up for and trying to protect?
Then just a few days later, I got dragged to another girly bar, called Candy Bar. My time there started out very innocent and fun, just hanging out with a couple of my friends and the girls working there, playing pool and just chatting it up. Then all of a sudden I see a man (who I didn't know, but he was a young Westerner), start to make a motion like he was trying to stick his hand up one of the girls shorts, she backed away, he did it again, and she backed away once more. Disgusted, offended, and completely bothered, I took the pool cue I was holding and just gently tapped the guy and told him to stop. I'm not sure exactly what words were exchanged, but I was very calm and casual at that point. Some time passed and things were fine. Then, all of a sudden, as we were leaving, one of his friends said something to me and he and I got into a very heated conversation that resulted in raised voices, tears, and an over flooding of emotions that made me walk out. He was yelling at me saying something along these lines...
"Don't tell my friend what to do. That is how things work here, and you just have to deal with it. I've been here for 5 years and have been traveling for 10. What do you know? How long have you been here? You have no idea what it's like, so you can't say anything. That's just how things are here. Who do you think you are?"
As you can imagine that got me very upset, and I was yelling and crying back at him basically saying that "I don't care who you are or how long you've been here, and don't even try to tell me that 'that's the way things are'. There is no excuse for disrespecting a woman and I was bothered by it. I don't care who you are or if she's working there, you do not treat women like that." Anyways, I eventually walked out because I was so upset and bothered by the very fact that he had the exact attitude I'm trying to fight against. This horrible mentality from men and people, that "that's the way things are" as though it justifies and makes it right to disrespect women and treat them as something we can stick our hands or other things up in public or private simply for our own pleasure. Well I walked out crying and walked to the riverfront to sit down, and then all of a sudden one of the girls from the bar (who was dressed in casual clothes) came and sat down next to me with tears in her eyes. At that point we were both sitting there emotional with tears in our eyes, except I had no idea why she was upset. I tried asking, in both English and Khmer, but I got nothing. I could see it in her eyes though. Something got her emotional and I'm not sure what it was. The next thing you know I'm sitting at breakfast with her and my friends in the middle of the market having great food and conversation. Then before we left, she told me how happy she was and how much she wanted to be my friend, so of course I exchanged numbers with her and said I'd love to hang out with her.
The next night, I get a phone call from her when I'm hanging out with one of my friends and she asks me if we wanted to come by and hang out with her at the bar. So, my friend and I agreed, and start heading over. All of a sudden I hear my name and there she was - dressed in a really short dress, high heels, and lots of make-up, and not at Candy Bar. Turns out she works at two places, this one, well, is very different than the other. This bar had rooms that were sectioned off by curtains in the back, that were not hidden at all by the way, where periodically you would see a flow of men coming out of or men disappearing into with a girl. As my friend and I were sitting there chatting with the girls, we saw men of all sorts - older Cambodian men, old Western men, middle-aged Western men, and young Western men who were probably about my age. Sitting having conversations at this bar was VERY different than the other two, and I really cannot describe the feeling I had sitting there. I would see men coming out of the back and literally want to throw up/cry/punch them in the face. That's the best way I can describe all of the emotions I was feeling. After a while, I couldn't take anymore and had to tell my friend that we needed to leave.
I've continued to get phone calls the girl from the second and third bar, and after consulting other people who work at my organization, they agree that it's perfectly fine for me to hang out and be friends with these girls. You never know what can come from even simply having a relationship with people. I remember one specific conversation with one of the other girls in the bar, again with a mix of broken Khmer and English, where she was telling me how much she doesn't like her job at all. She said it out loud, but what I saw in her eyes spoke even louder - she was miserable. So, we got into a conversation about it and I asked her "why can't you get another job?" She said it's because she doesn't know enough English, and doesn't have enough money to go to school to learn more. Then I proceeded to try to get her to think positively and hopeful and asked her, well, if you had money, what would you do? She said with a smile on her face, I would go learn more English and then I'd love to be a translator. That conversation, to me, was amazing. All it takes sometimes is to be positive and show people that you believe in them and you never know - they could all of a sudden feel encouraged and hopeful, and decide that they are worth it and can get a different job.
Anyways, my thoughts on these experiences are not very well organized or thought out, but I just wanted to get it out and share a little bit about what's been going on. Beyond the emotions of simply being in those places, the relationships I've started to build with these girls working in the bars struck me in the head like a brick and reminded me why I'm here. I'm not here to get lost in the expat world and go out all the time, I'm here to work, and to help do this research that is going to create an awesome program which will help vulnerable families and the younger siblings of girls who have been trafficked for sex. This past weekend was incredible, and there was so much about it that was redeeming, and I have been experiencing so many emotions in the past few days, but in a great way that has made me feel as though I'm really getting things back together, and ready to keep working hard.
Work is getting much more intense and at this point, we are aiming to go out for our first interviews with the families the week of Dec. 5th. It's exciting that it's coming up, and it has put a lot more projects on my plate which is exactly what I need right now. I was lost for weeks, and now, thanks to the beautiful girls I've become friends with and a friend who I had an amazing weekend with, I have found myself again and am slowly putting the pieces back together. God truly is amazing.
The last couple of weeks, however, have definitely reminded me why I'm here. I'm not sure I can explain how what I'm about to tell you happened, but somehow I've managed to go to 3 different girly bars (or prostitute bars) in less than a week and a half. It started with just a simple curiosity while I was with a group of friends, which led us going into a place called DV8 Bar, which had sexy figures of women as part of the sign. Just by that, we knew what we were entering, but my curiosity got the best of all of us, and we went in. With girls dressed up in short dresses and heels all around me, I decide to sit at the bar. To make a long story short, for the next hour I was surrounded by 6 different girls working there and was engaged in conversation which was a mix of Khmer and English. I think one, they were really excited to see a young Western woman, and two, to see one who is able to speak some Khmer to them was a VERY exciting thing. It was actually an incredible experience that I'm not even sure how to describe. I sat next to one woman who spoke very good English and who was talking to me all about her family, kids, husband, etc. and it ended in her giving me her phone number and her getting mine because she was so happy and said she really wanted to be friends with me. After an hour or so of amazing conversation, we all eventually left. After leaving the bar, I honestly didn't even know what to think. Do I go to dinner with her? Do I be friends with her? Is this dangerous, or an opportunity to potentially help the very girls/women I've dedicated my life to speaking up for and trying to protect?
Then just a few days later, I got dragged to another girly bar, called Candy Bar. My time there started out very innocent and fun, just hanging out with a couple of my friends and the girls working there, playing pool and just chatting it up. Then all of a sudden I see a man (who I didn't know, but he was a young Westerner), start to make a motion like he was trying to stick his hand up one of the girls shorts, she backed away, he did it again, and she backed away once more. Disgusted, offended, and completely bothered, I took the pool cue I was holding and just gently tapped the guy and told him to stop. I'm not sure exactly what words were exchanged, but I was very calm and casual at that point. Some time passed and things were fine. Then, all of a sudden, as we were leaving, one of his friends said something to me and he and I got into a very heated conversation that resulted in raised voices, tears, and an over flooding of emotions that made me walk out. He was yelling at me saying something along these lines...
"Don't tell my friend what to do. That is how things work here, and you just have to deal with it. I've been here for 5 years and have been traveling for 10. What do you know? How long have you been here? You have no idea what it's like, so you can't say anything. That's just how things are here. Who do you think you are?"
As you can imagine that got me very upset, and I was yelling and crying back at him basically saying that "I don't care who you are or how long you've been here, and don't even try to tell me that 'that's the way things are'. There is no excuse for disrespecting a woman and I was bothered by it. I don't care who you are or if she's working there, you do not treat women like that." Anyways, I eventually walked out because I was so upset and bothered by the very fact that he had the exact attitude I'm trying to fight against. This horrible mentality from men and people, that "that's the way things are" as though it justifies and makes it right to disrespect women and treat them as something we can stick our hands or other things up in public or private simply for our own pleasure. Well I walked out crying and walked to the riverfront to sit down, and then all of a sudden one of the girls from the bar (who was dressed in casual clothes) came and sat down next to me with tears in her eyes. At that point we were both sitting there emotional with tears in our eyes, except I had no idea why she was upset. I tried asking, in both English and Khmer, but I got nothing. I could see it in her eyes though. Something got her emotional and I'm not sure what it was. The next thing you know I'm sitting at breakfast with her and my friends in the middle of the market having great food and conversation. Then before we left, she told me how happy she was and how much she wanted to be my friend, so of course I exchanged numbers with her and said I'd love to hang out with her.
The next night, I get a phone call from her when I'm hanging out with one of my friends and she asks me if we wanted to come by and hang out with her at the bar. So, my friend and I agreed, and start heading over. All of a sudden I hear my name and there she was - dressed in a really short dress, high heels, and lots of make-up, and not at Candy Bar. Turns out she works at two places, this one, well, is very different than the other. This bar had rooms that were sectioned off by curtains in the back, that were not hidden at all by the way, where periodically you would see a flow of men coming out of or men disappearing into with a girl. As my friend and I were sitting there chatting with the girls, we saw men of all sorts - older Cambodian men, old Western men, middle-aged Western men, and young Western men who were probably about my age. Sitting having conversations at this bar was VERY different than the other two, and I really cannot describe the feeling I had sitting there. I would see men coming out of the back and literally want to throw up/cry/punch them in the face. That's the best way I can describe all of the emotions I was feeling. After a while, I couldn't take anymore and had to tell my friend that we needed to leave.
I've continued to get phone calls the girl from the second and third bar, and after consulting other people who work at my organization, they agree that it's perfectly fine for me to hang out and be friends with these girls. You never know what can come from even simply having a relationship with people. I remember one specific conversation with one of the other girls in the bar, again with a mix of broken Khmer and English, where she was telling me how much she doesn't like her job at all. She said it out loud, but what I saw in her eyes spoke even louder - she was miserable. So, we got into a conversation about it and I asked her "why can't you get another job?" She said it's because she doesn't know enough English, and doesn't have enough money to go to school to learn more. Then I proceeded to try to get her to think positively and hopeful and asked her, well, if you had money, what would you do? She said with a smile on her face, I would go learn more English and then I'd love to be a translator. That conversation, to me, was amazing. All it takes sometimes is to be positive and show people that you believe in them and you never know - they could all of a sudden feel encouraged and hopeful, and decide that they are worth it and can get a different job.
Anyways, my thoughts on these experiences are not very well organized or thought out, but I just wanted to get it out and share a little bit about what's been going on. Beyond the emotions of simply being in those places, the relationships I've started to build with these girls working in the bars struck me in the head like a brick and reminded me why I'm here. I'm not here to get lost in the expat world and go out all the time, I'm here to work, and to help do this research that is going to create an awesome program which will help vulnerable families and the younger siblings of girls who have been trafficked for sex. This past weekend was incredible, and there was so much about it that was redeeming, and I have been experiencing so many emotions in the past few days, but in a great way that has made me feel as though I'm really getting things back together, and ready to keep working hard.
Work is getting much more intense and at this point, we are aiming to go out for our first interviews with the families the week of Dec. 5th. It's exciting that it's coming up, and it has put a lot more projects on my plate which is exactly what I need right now. I was lost for weeks, and now, thanks to the beautiful girls I've become friends with and a friend who I had an amazing weekend with, I have found myself again and am slowly putting the pieces back together. God truly is amazing.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Such Joy
As always, I'm not sure where to begin. It truly is hard to convey how much I am enjoying life at the moment. I've met some incredible friends from all over the world, I'm having so much fun learning and trying to speak Khmer, I'm loving my work environment and my coworkers, and I'm enjoying eating all sorts of different types of food (especially when I eat at a little stand in the middle of the local market and pay 2, 000 Riel or 50 cents in US currency. How could I complain about anything?
One thing that brings me such joy is the comments and "compliments" I get being a Westerner living here. Here are some examples that I'll let you try to interpret:
"Oh, you look less fat!"
"Are you tired? You look like panda (as he's pointing to his eyes)."
"Oh today you look more fat, maybe you have baby?"
"Oh today you look special pretty"..this is coming after a conversation about how women get mad when he looks surprised and tells them they look pretty because they interpret it as though he thinks they look ugly all other days...feels like the States when he says stuff like that.
"Oh, you're so white!"
I love hearing things like this - it is never meant as an insult, but rather as a compliment. It's always entertaining and really challenges my immediate defenses that typically go up when someone says stuff like that to me. I've been socialized to understand comments like "you're so white" to be an insult, especially growing up in Southern California where tan skin=beauty; however, in Cambodia it's the complete opposite- being white is beautiful and signifies power and wealth. As much as it is flattering, it becomes quite difficult when every day (not exaggerating) I'm told I'm beautiful because my skin is white and that I'm more beautiful than Cambodians because I have white skin. If that's not a symbol of the perceived power dynamics between Cambodians and Westerners, I don't know what is. It actually bothers me more and more every day because it's clear that Western influence is present in a way that is creating a culture and perception that being Western is better than being Cambodian. This isn't to say that Western presence or influence doesn't have any positive impact, but it disgusts me that it's produced a concept that a human being can be prettier, more powerful, or better than another human being (especially when the variable causing that perception is simply where someone was born).
Anyways, this was supposed to be a joyful post!! The other joys from really settling into this country...
The moto driver who takes me around actually laughs, smiles, and talks with me now! The first two weeks, we never said anything to one another, other than me telling him where I needed to go, and now there is laughter every time he drives me somewhere. Most of the time we're laughing AT me and my attempts at speaking Khmer. Either that or I laugh because I'll say one phrase in Khmer and then he will just blab away as though I know what he's saying. "Knom at yol" (I don't understand) I have to say. I love it.
I walk down the street I used to live on and all of the moto and tuk tuk drivers who post up there will shout out "hello Bri!" Or, for example, the other day I needed a moto home because I didn't want to walk alone at night, so I took another guy I knew (because my moto driver was gone) and as it turned out, he already knew exactly where I live now even though he's never driven me to my new apartment. While it seems creepy, it's actually quite entertaining seeing that even people in Cambodia gossip! They're all good people though, and are honestly protective of me and my friends because they know us. It's awesome.
There are so many things I love about this place and the things I've just mentioned are only a few examples, but I think you get the picture! Just know, I'm so happy and I laugh every day...again, mostly at myself, but laughter is laughter and I love it all.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Settling into Life in Cambodia
Six short weeks ago I arrived in Phnom Penh, Cambodia. It continues to amaze me every day that I'm actually living and working here, and that as much time has already gone by. There are no words to explain what my life is like, or how much I am enjoying being here, but again, here is my attempt at shedding some light on my experiences.
Hypochondriac or what?!
So I have to admit that ever since I've arrived in Cambodia, I'm pretty sure I've turned into a hypochondriac. Now, let's be real people, I know I'm not, BUT, please explain to me why I've been to the doctor 3 times in less than 2 weeks. First time (maybe about 2 weeks into my time here) I went because I had about 20 some bites on my legs that proceeded to get EXTREMELY irritated, red, swollen, and then the best part, blistered. Gross, right?! You don't have to tell me - I was the one who had to live with it. Anyways, you could be pretty confident that they were mosquito bites, but I was convinced that there might be something wrong because I had NEVER seen a reaction like that to a bug bite...well at least not on me. Literally, my legs felt like they were on fire! And yes, I did take some pictures, but I'm going to spare you all. Anyways, I decided that I just HAD to go to the doctor to make sure I didn't have some crazy disease or something.
Then, a couple days later I noticed my throat was a bit sore (which went away after an hour or so) and that my right gland was really swollen. That's happened to me a million times, but because I had no other symptoms of a cold, sickness, or anything, I decided that again, something might be seriously wrong. So literally 3 days later, I went to the doctor again. Turns out I had a white spot on my tonsil, but that's about it. Hasn't been an issue since.
A few more days go by, and then all of a sudden one night I got this horrific pain in my lower right abdomen. It was really painful, so I went to bed and hoped it would be gone in the morning. Woke up, it was still there - same place, same intensity, etc. So, I proceeded to look online, and everything I read said "go to the doctor". Therefore, again, I went to the doctor - poor people in that office were definitely thinking "what is wrong with this girl?!"No joke, I was thinking I had appendicitis and was just imagining having to be airlifted to Bangkok for surgery and just the total mess that would've been. Anyways, the doctor did a sonogram of my entire abdomen to check I didn't have kidney stones, infections, blah blah blah. Everything of course, was perfectly fine and there seemed to be no explanation of what was wrong with me. Well, that left only one thing that could have been affecting it, and well, I will spare you the details.....
All in all, being in Cambodia is making me crazy. I have a quick pain or funky situation anywhere in my body and I think I'm diseased or something. Pretty ridiculous, but entertaining. Let's hope the doctor doesn't have to see me for a looong time!
Mad Moto Riding Skills
I noticed something the other day that got me so excited. I was riding on the back of my "Moto Man's" moto and realized I wasn't holding on for deal life. In fact, I wasn't holding on at all! My hands were nice and relaxed, just hanging out on my thighs. For some reason, I felt so cool and like a true Cambodian just casually sitting on something that was swerving in and out of cars, motos, tuk tuks, and bikes. To top it off, today I go on the moto and was actually holding and drinking my coffee as I was being taken to work. That was the ultimate moment of coolness for sure. The one part that makes me stand out from most Cambodians, however, is that fact that I wear a helmet. After 4 weeks of using a moto without one (oops), I finally got one and now I'm sporting a sick helmet that makes me feel so trendy. Jealous, right?
Hybrid Accent
Interestingly enough, as more time goes by, more and more people tell me they're surprised I'm from the States. After hearing me talk for a bit before I mention I'm from the States, people seem to be a little confused and think I'm either from Canada, or somewhere else. They're never too sure, but they are sure that I don't sound like an American. The part that tells me my accent must be mixed up is when multiple AMERICANS tell me they didn't think I was American either. Apparently I have developed a strange hybrid of accents, and don't really sound American anymore. I think it's pretty funny, but I have definitely noticed that I have slight different inflections, and sometimes say words or phrases that aren't typical of an American. I blame all the people I hang out with! All of the people I hang out with speak anything BUT American English, so I'm constantly hearing an Australian, British, or New Zealand accent, which apparently is starting to rub off on me and creating a very strange hybrid of an accent.
I'm sorry fellow Americans, it's definitely not intentional! I've seen it happen to other Americans as well. Two Americans I can think of who I know here have lived in Cambodia for a few years, and no joke, will sound British in one sentence, American in another, Canadian in the next, and then Australian after that. It's a strange concept, but it makes sense when you think about it I suppose. I mean, how and why do any of us have accents? It's because we pick it up from the people around us. I'm just not quite sure this is already happening to me after less than 2 months haha. Maybe I'm secretly wishing I had another accent, so my brain has decided it's going to slowly make me speak with a different accent. Who knows. I swear I still love the USA. Although you have to forgive me because I was an Aussie for a day this past weekend when watching the Rugby World Cup. Sorry Wallabees...looks like I didn't bring you the luck you needed. ;)
Hypochondriac or what?!
So I have to admit that ever since I've arrived in Cambodia, I'm pretty sure I've turned into a hypochondriac. Now, let's be real people, I know I'm not, BUT, please explain to me why I've been to the doctor 3 times in less than 2 weeks. First time (maybe about 2 weeks into my time here) I went because I had about 20 some bites on my legs that proceeded to get EXTREMELY irritated, red, swollen, and then the best part, blistered. Gross, right?! You don't have to tell me - I was the one who had to live with it. Anyways, you could be pretty confident that they were mosquito bites, but I was convinced that there might be something wrong because I had NEVER seen a reaction like that to a bug bite...well at least not on me. Literally, my legs felt like they were on fire! And yes, I did take some pictures, but I'm going to spare you all. Anyways, I decided that I just HAD to go to the doctor to make sure I didn't have some crazy disease or something.
Then, a couple days later I noticed my throat was a bit sore (which went away after an hour or so) and that my right gland was really swollen. That's happened to me a million times, but because I had no other symptoms of a cold, sickness, or anything, I decided that again, something might be seriously wrong. So literally 3 days later, I went to the doctor again. Turns out I had a white spot on my tonsil, but that's about it. Hasn't been an issue since.
A few more days go by, and then all of a sudden one night I got this horrific pain in my lower right abdomen. It was really painful, so I went to bed and hoped it would be gone in the morning. Woke up, it was still there - same place, same intensity, etc. So, I proceeded to look online, and everything I read said "go to the doctor". Therefore, again, I went to the doctor - poor people in that office were definitely thinking "what is wrong with this girl?!"No joke, I was thinking I had appendicitis and was just imagining having to be airlifted to Bangkok for surgery and just the total mess that would've been. Anyways, the doctor did a sonogram of my entire abdomen to check I didn't have kidney stones, infections, blah blah blah. Everything of course, was perfectly fine and there seemed to be no explanation of what was wrong with me. Well, that left only one thing that could have been affecting it, and well, I will spare you the details.....
All in all, being in Cambodia is making me crazy. I have a quick pain or funky situation anywhere in my body and I think I'm diseased or something. Pretty ridiculous, but entertaining. Let's hope the doctor doesn't have to see me for a looong time!
Mad Moto Riding Skills
I noticed something the other day that got me so excited. I was riding on the back of my "Moto Man's" moto and realized I wasn't holding on for deal life. In fact, I wasn't holding on at all! My hands were nice and relaxed, just hanging out on my thighs. For some reason, I felt so cool and like a true Cambodian just casually sitting on something that was swerving in and out of cars, motos, tuk tuks, and bikes. To top it off, today I go on the moto and was actually holding and drinking my coffee as I was being taken to work. That was the ultimate moment of coolness for sure. The one part that makes me stand out from most Cambodians, however, is that fact that I wear a helmet. After 4 weeks of using a moto without one (oops), I finally got one and now I'm sporting a sick helmet that makes me feel so trendy. Jealous, right?
Hybrid Accent
Interestingly enough, as more time goes by, more and more people tell me they're surprised I'm from the States. After hearing me talk for a bit before I mention I'm from the States, people seem to be a little confused and think I'm either from Canada, or somewhere else. They're never too sure, but they are sure that I don't sound like an American. The part that tells me my accent must be mixed up is when multiple AMERICANS tell me they didn't think I was American either. Apparently I have developed a strange hybrid of accents, and don't really sound American anymore. I think it's pretty funny, but I have definitely noticed that I have slight different inflections, and sometimes say words or phrases that aren't typical of an American. I blame all the people I hang out with! All of the people I hang out with speak anything BUT American English, so I'm constantly hearing an Australian, British, or New Zealand accent, which apparently is starting to rub off on me and creating a very strange hybrid of an accent.
I'm sorry fellow Americans, it's definitely not intentional! I've seen it happen to other Americans as well. Two Americans I can think of who I know here have lived in Cambodia for a few years, and no joke, will sound British in one sentence, American in another, Canadian in the next, and then Australian after that. It's a strange concept, but it makes sense when you think about it I suppose. I mean, how and why do any of us have accents? It's because we pick it up from the people around us. I'm just not quite sure this is already happening to me after less than 2 months haha. Maybe I'm secretly wishing I had another accent, so my brain has decided it's going to slowly make me speak with a different accent. Who knows. I swear I still love the USA. Although you have to forgive me because I was an Aussie for a day this past weekend when watching the Rugby World Cup. Sorry Wallabees...looks like I didn't bring you the luck you needed. ;)
Monday, October 10, 2011
Meat, Yoga, Service, New Apartment
It's crazy to think that I've now been here over a month. So much has happened, so many emotions have been felt, and so many challenges have been faced. It's incredible how fast a month can go by, and even though it's really not that long to be in another country, I feel so comfortable here, like I've been here so much longer than a month. This past week was great and was filled with lots of adventures and many good laughs. Here's a little "taste"......
Meat
I have now officially eaten meat for the FIRST time in over 2 1/2 years!!!! Not quite sure what brought it on, but the house mom's who work at the shelter cooked everyone food and I just couldn't resist or say no. Plus, the fact that it was a fried ball filled with tons of mashed potatoes (one of my favorite things in the world) that I could eat with ketchup...well, let's just say, made it the perfect combination for my first experience with meat again. I could hardly taste the bits of pork, and it reminded me so much of my family's famous tater tot casserole that we always eat with ketchup...YUUMMMMMM!! It was such a lovely experience and I quite enjoyed it, but don't get too excited....the door to eating meat didn't swing wide open, I've just opened it a crack so I can see a little beam of light :) Since then I have had a couple pork dumplings which had mostly veggies in it, and a very small piece of shepherds pie which had tiny pieces of chicken in it. That's it though, and there are ABSOLUTELY NO plans to eat a big chunk of steak or other meat like I see at the market.
Yoga
Went to yoga this past week for the first time with a few friends. I've gone to a couple classes back in the States and have always loved it and felt extremely relaxed after, so I figured it might be a good self-care tool for me. Did a few poses I've never done before, and focused a lot on balance and back stretching which was exactly what I needed. Was sooo relaxing and I actually felt sore the next day which always makes me feel good and as though I had a great workout. It's decided - I'm going to allow myself the pleasure of doing yoga a few times a week and see if it helps me relieve stress and stay relaxed!
Service
This past Friday and Saturday I got to hang out with middle school and high school children to prepare
and go to a day of service in the slums. A group of about 40 youth from the church got together and acted out the creation story for the young Cambodia children living in the slums. It was by far one of the cutest things I've ever seen and it was so much fun. Before the skit, everyone was just running around, teaching the kids how to have a human wheel barrel race, play "Mr. Fox, what time is it?", and just run around and have fun. The Cambodian children got an absolute kick out of getting a piggy-back ride and trying to attack the other kids. I never would have guessed I'd get so tired from running around and carrying a young girl who ways maybe 20lbs (if that). Uh oh..does that mean I'm getting old?!! Anyways, the service day was tons of fun, and the kids are so stinking cute. I completely understand why Angelina came home with a Cambodian baby ;)
New Apartment
After a long day of playing games and giving piggy-back rides to adorable children, I went back to Central Phnom Penh and signed the lease to my NEW APARTMENT!!! Living in a hotel for a month was plenty, and while it was nice having my room and laundry cleaned for me every day, I've been dying to get out and feel like I actually live here and am not just on vacation. Now, I am the proud renter (with another Fulbright Scholar) of a fully furnished 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment. It's still very close to where I was living before, has a rooftop terrace with an amazing view of the river and the rest of the city, and is close to basically everything I could possibly need or want. I spent my first night in the apartment last night and it was excellent. A lot of sunlight comes in through the windows which is a HUGE step up from the dark dungeon I was living in at the hotel, and my favorite part is that we have a lovely rooster as a neighbor who feels the need to let us know the sun is rising at 6am. Oh, and after the first wake up call, he wants to make sure we know, so he consistently reminds us every 5 minutes. If that's not enough notification that it's time to get the heck out of bed, we then get to hear the screaming and laughing of the kids who have arrived for school (which is the first two floors of the apartment building). The good thing I guess is that I will never have to worry about over-sleeping! The bad thing, however, kids go to school on Saturday.......this should be interesting.
Meat
I have now officially eaten meat for the FIRST time in over 2 1/2 years!!!! Not quite sure what brought it on, but the house mom's who work at the shelter cooked everyone food and I just couldn't resist or say no. Plus, the fact that it was a fried ball filled with tons of mashed potatoes (one of my favorite things in the world) that I could eat with ketchup...well, let's just say, made it the perfect combination for my first experience with meat again. I could hardly taste the bits of pork, and it reminded me so much of my family's famous tater tot casserole that we always eat with ketchup...YUUMMMMMM!! It was such a lovely experience and I quite enjoyed it, but don't get too excited....the door to eating meat didn't swing wide open, I've just opened it a crack so I can see a little beam of light :) Since then I have had a couple pork dumplings which had mostly veggies in it, and a very small piece of shepherds pie which had tiny pieces of chicken in it. That's it though, and there are ABSOLUTELY NO plans to eat a big chunk of steak or other meat like I see at the market.
Yoga
Went to yoga this past week for the first time with a few friends. I've gone to a couple classes back in the States and have always loved it and felt extremely relaxed after, so I figured it might be a good self-care tool for me. Did a few poses I've never done before, and focused a lot on balance and back stretching which was exactly what I needed. Was sooo relaxing and I actually felt sore the next day which always makes me feel good and as though I had a great workout. It's decided - I'm going to allow myself the pleasure of doing yoga a few times a week and see if it helps me relieve stress and stay relaxed!
Service
This past Friday and Saturday I got to hang out with middle school and high school children to prepare
and go to a day of service in the slums. A group of about 40 youth from the church got together and acted out the creation story for the young Cambodia children living in the slums. It was by far one of the cutest things I've ever seen and it was so much fun. Before the skit, everyone was just running around, teaching the kids how to have a human wheel barrel race, play "Mr. Fox, what time is it?", and just run around and have fun. The Cambodian children got an absolute kick out of getting a piggy-back ride and trying to attack the other kids. I never would have guessed I'd get so tired from running around and carrying a young girl who ways maybe 20lbs (if that). Uh oh..does that mean I'm getting old?!! Anyways, the service day was tons of fun, and the kids are so stinking cute. I completely understand why Angelina came home with a Cambodian baby ;)
New Apartment
After a long day of playing games and giving piggy-back rides to adorable children, I went back to Central Phnom Penh and signed the lease to my NEW APARTMENT!!! Living in a hotel for a month was plenty, and while it was nice having my room and laundry cleaned for me every day, I've been dying to get out and feel like I actually live here and am not just on vacation. Now, I am the proud renter (with another Fulbright Scholar) of a fully furnished 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment. It's still very close to where I was living before, has a rooftop terrace with an amazing view of the river and the rest of the city, and is close to basically everything I could possibly need or want. I spent my first night in the apartment last night and it was excellent. A lot of sunlight comes in through the windows which is a HUGE step up from the dark dungeon I was living in at the hotel, and my favorite part is that we have a lovely rooster as a neighbor who feels the need to let us know the sun is rising at 6am. Oh, and after the first wake up call, he wants to make sure we know, so he consistently reminds us every 5 minutes. If that's not enough notification that it's time to get the heck out of bed, we then get to hear the screaming and laughing of the kids who have arrived for school (which is the first two floors of the apartment building). The good thing I guess is that I will never have to worry about over-sleeping! The bad thing, however, kids go to school on Saturday.......this should be interesting.
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